Why do we have trust issues in our relationship?

"Why are men taught not to trust women?" This question was proposed to several different men and women. The responses blew me away as they were from various aspects of how trust is developed and what factors play a role in how we trust.

"Trust me not because I want you to, but because I have shown you what to trust."

-Ife Mensah

When speaking to men about their level of trust for women, it was primarily negative. I assumed a queen had previously hurt them in a way that scorned them for life. But personally, it goes back deeper than that. The first woman that a man encounters in his life is his mom. When dignity and trust are broken at an early age from someone that you truly depend on such as a parent, it lays the foundation on how you perceive or interact with the opposite sex.

Some people that I have spoken to believe that trust is given firsthand due to the benefit of the doubt or allowing people to be believable until trust is broken. The actuality is that people will always demonstrate some level of mistrust due to the expectations we have. We expect us in others, and it fails us every time. The only thing we can do is trust that people will be who they are and do what they want.

While writing I thought about a poem I wrote when I had a moment of not trusting and believing others. I too, had the mindset that I could only trust myself and that was proven to be a lie. I often found myself letting myself down thinking I could trust myself to do the right thing resulting in a shift of thinking trust was not even a real thing.

Thou' Shalt Not Trust

A firm belief in reliability, truth, ability

or strength of someone or something is bull

Trust is only for those who believe in fairytales and hopes

Thinking someone will be honest enough to put trust in

thou shalt not

To be held to a standard that is known to be completely failed

by just being human

Truthfully, trust is no more than a myth

that is told and passed down from generation to generation

without having proof in the pudding

Exactly what is it for again

Does that exist in a time where everyone is unsure of themselves?

so how can trust benefit anyone...

-Ife Mensah

Some of the reasons some men feel as though they can't trust women:

1. Women will say they cheat better than men, indicating they are cheaters.

2. Women are known to lie about pregnancy, leading men on to believe they are the fathers of children.

3. Women will not apologize when they are wrong.

4. Women throw men away for government assistance.

5. Men have seen how women betray and gossip about their friends

6. Men have seen women do things and not take accountability for their role in it.

7. Women have mastered the art of telling their version of the truth instead of telling the truth.

This seems a bit harsh against women. It can be counterargued that for a woman to state that she can cheat better would mean that she has been cheated on. We often seek retaliation when we have been let down or hurt. This is not the way, but women are able to think better than men when it comes to strategic planning through an emotional crisis. For goodness' sake we push out babies while taking care of babies. We can think if we can't do anything else. So yes, I agree that women cheat better than men. (I'm being messy!)

Some of the men's reasons are valid for mistrust but the issue is the reasons are being applied to all women. Both men and women are known to cheat. I think for anyone admitting when you are wrong is a challenging thing to do. I believe it's hard because the person is unsure of the response, he/she may receive. Leading a man to believe he is the father is a reason for losing trust if it is intentionally done. Though we could mention the fact that men will lie about having a wife and children. I have known for a man to have a family and create another family outside of his marriage and never revealed their existence to each other. Mastering the art of truth telling is for the typical liar. A person who withholds information or alters the truth is one who does it to ease their conscious enough to the point where they can live with it. They often take shortcuts in the truth-telling to be able to say I told you about it.

" If the truth hurts, then what does a lie do?"

-Ife Mensah

But knowing your partner as much as you can helps with trust issues. Therefore, searching your partner inside and out will be the only way to help build trust. This will take time because everyone is perfect during the honeymoon stage of the relationship depending on how long that goes. Only time will tell because a person can only put on an act for so long before showing their true colors. But having an open mindset when going into a new relationship, trusting that people are not perfect and has flaws. Also, trusting that it will come to a point where you will earn and lose trust from your partner. Trust that if someone shows you who they are, and it is not to your expectations, do not continue to stay where you are unhappy. This could become emotional abuse if there is patterned behavior of the loss of trust.