Why am I attracted to toxic people? What is it about me that drives this attraction? What can I do to heal myself from this emotional rollercoaster?
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.
What is a toxic relationship?
Any relationship that makes you feel insecure. Any relationship that makes you feel unhappiness. A periodicity or cycle of good and bad emotions that leaves you feeling stressed and in question. A toxic relationship is any relationship that hurts.
Signs of a toxic relationship?
· You may often question, “If you have made the right decision or choice.”
· The desire of being in the relationship has vanished
· Your sleep pattern becomes off
· You are cautious about the things you do or say
· Fear of being yourself, attempting to please the other person
· Feeling like you are doing everything wrong
· Argumentative
· A sense of unease like you’re walking on eggshells
· Going over the top to keep the person happy
· Communication is not up to par
Take Look Inside
While in therapy, I spoke to my therapist about some of the issues that I had in the past. I mentioned the times when I had been physically abused and verbally abused by both family and while being in romantic relationships. She stated that often people that have a history of mental illness or have been a victim of abuse are more prone to toxic relationships based on statistics. She used the analogy that abusers can sniff out victims like hound dogs. This made me reflect on the relationships I had in the past and the toxicity of each of them. I realized that I gravitated towards a certain type of man. We often get asked what you look for in a man. If you asked me this many years ago, I would say a gangster or someone that knew how to handle me. That only led to me being accepting of being called bitches, getting slapped, punched and many times left in tears from emotional hurt. The emotional pain was not new to me this was a feeling that I had encountered since I was a child. Being called “black and evil” by your parent makes other verbal abuse not so bad. It was not because I wanted it, but I had developed an acceptance of it to the point where this was my norm. Since verbal abuse had become numb to me, I later became accepting of physical abuse because it nearly equated the same. I was molested by an uncle, gang-raped after being given drugs, contracted diseases, and was hospitalized for a month. When being choked, slapped, and punched on you realize it wasn’t as bad as what I have felt before. The underlying issue I had was from an unhealed past from my childhood. I knew without a doubt my parents loved me yet hurt me tremendously through words. I went into the relationships with this trauma thinking that they loved me, and it was okay to hurt me.
When we hear about toxic relationships we automatically think of a boyfriend or girlfriend that constantly wants to argue and fight about anything. Toxic relationships apply to family, friends, and even in the workplace. It is anyone that sucks out the positive energy from a person or situation. They can be known as mood killers. They will complain, compare, judge, easily get upset, blame others, be critical, selfish, and arrogant but ultimately, they will cause you stress.
You cannot spot a toxic person. The traits may not be in plain sight at the beginning of the relationship because this is the stage where one can do no wrong aka the honeymoon stage. The signs are present, but we don’t always pay attention to the red flags due to love.
So, who’s the blame?
Toxic relationships are based on two people, there is often a shared level of toxicity in a relationship. It gets to a point where the two find themselves feeding on the toxic traits of each other, causing the grounds for their attraction. One may feel like jealousy is a sign of love or that being controlling equates to leadership. These negative traits are often mistaken for positive traits in a relationship.
There are two people to blame. One blame yourself for not recognizing that you deserve to be treated like royalty. Seeking help to overcome past trauma is the key. This will allow you to be at your full potential. You are not whole if parts of yourself are broken. Brokenness will only make you subjected to trash.
“It is a saying that hurt people, hurt people.” -Unknown
Secondly, blame the other person for not knowing your worth or theirs. Forgiving those that have hurt you is necessary for you to be able to move from the situation. The cycle of abuse from these types of people indicates that there are unhealed areas in their lives that must be addressed. Though these people may need help it is best to avoid getting into a relationship during this phase of their lives if you are not whole.
Toxicity can form at any time in a relationship. It is not always the beginning of the relationship. Certain things trigger toxicity in a relationship.
The Aftermath
Depending on how long you conform yourself to this illness as I would call it, you will push back any sign of a healthy relationship. This is similar to eating unhealthy foods and then transitioning to healthy foods. Your body will find a way to reject it because it seems foreign to the body. Much like your psychological and emotional state rejecting a healthy relationship. You will find yourself creating aggression, mistrust/dishonesty, and anything that will cause strife to feed this toxic trait.
How to fix it
Communication is the best practice for restoring a relationship. Telling the other person how you are feeling or how they are making you feel is very important in fixing problems. Set goals for you and your partner to work towards. If it gets to the point where nothing is working, take the time to reflect on the things you are doing or not doing. Analyze the things that you have on your table to see if it is something worth working on or leaving behind. Most of all it is costing you your psychological and emotional health and if you no longer feel like yourself then that is an indication that it is time to leave and move on.
Beautiful expressions. Nameste☮️👏🏽