"Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.” Now, I am not sure if God wants my spirit. I have done some crazy things. But honestly, I am without sin. God can't wait to get my spirit it is beautiful and full of love.
"If death happens to find me laying in a bed of roses please leave me there until I adapt to my surroundings..." - Earth Waters
Back in the day
Since I can remember death has been my biggest fear. I would often dream about my mom’s car being driven into the bayou. Meanwhile, I’m stuck in the back seat and unable to escape the inevitable. I would awake in a pitch-black room and me lying on my back looking straight up at the ceiling. Drifting off back to sleep hoping to dream a dream with happy endings. (Happy Endings, lol! That was my moment of joking, sorry) Being a child at the age of seven you wanted to dream about laughing and being happy. For some reason, I’ve always had the darkest dreams. By the age of twelve, I was so terrified and angry that I started to sleep with butcher knives under my pillow, carrying a razor blade in my mouth and pocketknife to school. (I was not as cold as Tupac but boy you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t.) But growing up if I could only escape death and make a potion for people to live forever. I wanted their physical bodies to stay the same way they looked in my eyes. These thoughts lead me to think about planets other than Earth that would sustain and maintain life. (But nope, the pastor and mommy said God only created the heavens and the Earth, not Mars, not Venus or Serena or any other planets. I’m goofy lol.)
Celestina
During my teenage years, I was so busy experiencing life and all that came with it. I had no time to think too much about death because I hardly ever slept and hardly thought at all. I believe if I did think, a lot of my mistakes would have been thought-out plans and I would have missed hitting my brick head against the soft wall so many times. The thought of death came even harder this time than when I was a child because, at this moment, I was standing around the bed with my family, holding my grandmother’s cold hand while she was taking her last breath.
My firstborn of four
Time flew by and there I was gazing into my baby girl’s eyes thinking how one day death would separate me from the love I was feeling at that moment. There was no amount of anything that would come in between this love. I was so high on love and life during this time I knew God had done away with my fear of death but somehow, I was reminded two years later that I couldn’t hide from it. Death came and took my first love and my baby girl’s dad. At that point, I felt as though I could go to war with death and may the best one win. Death always seemed to come out on top. Therefore, anger and rage resurfaced, and I was back mad at the world. Anger shifted into questions and answers started not to align. Most of all it was not my way of thinking when it came to death. One of the biggest questions I asked was why allow us to feel this love for our spouses, our children, and family/friends and then end it by death. I caught my snaps later in life about how life and death. Death is the most beautiful thing next to birth. We come in clueless and trying to figure things out and are taught by others. I’ve heard the same story about life after death. It is a bit hard to believe there will be golden gates and people walking around in white robes awaiting my arrival only to ask me if I was good in this life. For the most part, many of us struggle and bump our heads trying to survive this thing called life. Some last longer than others but it’s nature’s call.
Science Fact
We live on a planet that replenishes itself, through rain, sun, and decomposition. It takes one year and six months for Earth to replenish itself from all the work it puts out every day. I sat outside for six hours one day simply observing nature. When the sunset, I acknowledged the sun for all that it had done that day and realized that it deserved to rest. As this process takes place it is a blessing to end life with death to replenish the most beautiful thing given to us…Earth! There will be no major glory that awaits us at the end of life. (These are only my thoughts and not based on any biblical or religious practices.) Think about how we awake every morning, go to work, and are often on the go for nearly 20 hours a day. When we are finally in a position to rest we lay down and pass out into a world with no worries. The beauty is being able to be awakened by the sun that peeks through our windows and replies, Good Morning Sunshine and gives us a peck on the forehead just to start our day. But I would be foolish to say I don’t deserve to rest after this life.
Suicide Awareness
I attempted to end my life twice and I recently lost a cousin to suicide. I understood why he stood on his plans. I think getting upset and wishing there was something we could have done is a selfish act; being that we were brought into a world of good and evil against our will. Life and all that comes with it will overwhelm you and have you at that point. Some people are stronger than others and can endure much more blows. Some may think that life is pointless because it will be zapped by death anyway. Whatever their reasons were; were their reasons. But the beauty is very similar to the sun, moon, and rain. There is joy in their presence, but it is not forever. Enjoy the moments but acknowledge their time to rest and replenish. I often try to find ways to support suicide awareness because it was one of my largest struggles as a kid up into my adult life. The battle has not dissipated but it is not on the frontline of my life as before. I have moments where I want to give up because mental illness is a true rollercoaster for some people. I promised myself I would never go back down the rabbit hole again and stay as long as I did. Since then, I have had many great days and I am at peace with my past and present.
The Son of Ra
If we acknowledged the sun (Son of…) daily then it will keep us grounded on appreciation, thankfulness, the feeling of gratefulness, joy, and peace of life on Earth. This reminds me of the time my son threw trash out of the window, and I yelled and said all that the Earth does for us you throw trash out the window!? He said at that moment he stopped littering. (I don’t know if it was because I yelled, or he processed the truth in what was said.) I’m hoping too that whoever reads this hears me yelling how beautiful life and death are through the processes it takes for us to come into this world and the processes it takes for us to leave.
Let's love ourselves for a moment
We shall produce great flowers and fruit after this life whether it is the seeds we have sown into our children, spouses, family, and friends. Our remains will fertilize this earth for the remaining 1.5 billion years it has left. Our tears will water those seeds and brighten their lives much as the sun does. But to receive the beauty of rest we must put in the work. Make sure you are sowing into people, brightening their days, allowing yourself to simply be you and love yourself first before loving anything and anyone. You must forgive yourself for your past and make love to your future. Hello Sunshine!
Good Morning seems fitting
being that you illuminate
while being in my presence
clearly expressing that you are happy
where you are and
there is no better place than I
So we dance, orbiting around each other
making darkness obsolete
and rising to the occasion,
as we set forth for others to follow,
us...
Leading the day with heat,
fire, no desire to set
There is no midnight
only Good mornings because I
illuminate while being in your presence
clearly expressing that I am happy where I am
and there is no better place than you.
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