Middle Child, Mid Life Crisis

The psychological effects of childhood hunts some adults if there is not a time in which they have renewed the mindset and behaviors that has lingered for years. Though it can be swept under the rug and life continues it seems to resurface at some point in adulthood to remind you that healing is still necessary.

“To live, doesn’t mean that you’re alive” -Nicki Minaj

I recall getting into an argument with a friend and being asked,' Is there no gray area with you? It's either black or white. huh." In return I wanted to say, "I am the gray area!" By the way, the world that I see is either black or white but for me being the middle child I felt like I was always stuck in the middle and there was no way that I leaned more to. Overtime, I felt myself just stagnant and being swamped in the middle of things whether it was right or wrong which developed me into becoming neutral to many situations. Therefore, being uncaring, nonchalant and indecisive was some of the behaviors I picked up along the way of being in the gray area. Being stuck in the middle allows you to see both sides and how the world looks around you. But age plays a factor in your perspectives to what is being viewed. You have the option to stand and watch or wait to jump in like double dutch.

I’ve read articles on the symptoms and age onsets of midlife crisis in both men and women between the ages of 45 and 65 years old. Contrary to this I believe that midlife crisis comes in earlier ages such as mid 30s and should typically end by the age of 50 years old. The age range seems to accommodate the halfway mark for me, being that life expectancy for a people have shortened. So, according to cdc.gov the average life expectancy in the United States is estimated at 75 years old. This helps me to reason my claim of mid life crisis starting as early as 30s because by the age of 50 and yet still searching for purpose and meaning to life is detrimental for you and those around you. Does it mean that you have to stop trying to figure this life out? Absolutely, NOT! But at that point life should be fulfilling and you have only thing to do after 50 and that is to just live.

I didn’t quite understand the transition that I was going through mentally, physically and even spiritually. All of my children will be grown within two years and during this time I’ve loss a sense of self, spiritually I became disconnected with the universe and emotionally I was dead. I didn’t know how to feel; things that I should be happy about or things that I shouldn’t be sad about was absent to my emotions. I wanted to just be alone. When things that mattered before to me started to dissipate that’s when I realized that I was actually dealing with something of a different caliber than depression or I was simply experiencing midlife crisis. I had questions to surface my thoughts such as...

1. What is my purpose in life

2. What am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

3. Am I happy in my career?

4. Am I really fulfilling my dreams?

5. Does this person need to be in my life?

6. Should I remove myself from these people?

7. What is love?

8. What do others see when they see me?

I felt unfulfilled, I often revisited the past, I suffered putting my past life or things that has happened to me in the past. Repeatedly, I caused more trauma to myself than the actual traumatic events. I held onto the things that hurt me the most, I became unforgiving, I often had thoughts of the world being over or how I was very close to death, the realization of death is inevitable and every day could be the last day to be alive. I wouldn’t be able to see my children and the few things that I held onto the most and loved dearly will be gone.

I question why things were given to me knowing that it will be taken away not that I wanted it to but because it's simply the journey of life.

I went through a matter of changes and identity crisis at least six times within a year creating 13 different personalities and yet still adding. The changes that I experienced were very traumatic and very impulsive behaviors that really affected my life and my family and with all of that came strong feelings of regret and I locked myself in a box and refused to get out. When I finally realized this was more than the typical depression or anxiety I began to factor my age and actions and then started research on mid life crisis. It became scary because I've heard people mention that them or someone they knew were going through midlife crisis. I was assuming that a midlife crisis is simply someone who realizes that they are growing older, the world seems different and they become frustrated and angered because of the battle of realizing everything at once. I’ve spilled the beans of me growing old. I’ve told you guys that I have locked myself into this box of cryseas (crisis). But what I didn’t mention is that I have the key to unlock it. Today is January 21, 2022 and I am unlocking the box of midlife crisis because I am fulfilling my purpose. I am here sharing my most intimate moments with the world, I want to be heard, I want to be known for being human and for being cracked but not broken. So, today I unlock a liberated mindset of being true to myself. Expressing my feelings or concerns without anger. I am making a conscious decision to just live and I’m going to live happy. I’m going to live powerful and I will be wealthy. I may not have Beyoncé or Tyler Perry money but I have the most wealthiest heart and vision for this world, for myself and anyone that I come in contact with or have an impact on. My hopes through this platform and all other platforms of H.A.T.E is that my viewers become wealthy in every aspect especially mentally.

This is not a fun experience to those that have experienced this midlife crisis whether it was a man or woman because sometimes men are overlooked when it comes to dealing with things that relates to crisis and/or emotions. Some think that men are made of steel and yet they are just as gentle as we are (<Blog coming soon). But do not fall victim to the weight in which this crisis brings. Life starts now for you because if it wasn't time for you to start living with full potential you wouldn’t experience this life shock.

So embrace the questions that are arising, What is your purpose? To even have the thought means that you are doing something right so continue to have your thoughts but also fulfill everything that you have set out for yourself and live abundantly and with fulfillment. Do things that make you happy. If it is singing in the shower at 2 am, rolling down a hill screaming, coming out of the closet to friends or family, cutting your hair, going bald or whatever. Do it!!! Your purpose is to simply live and be free!