Death is not always thought about but during this time it was a constant thought for me.
"I would rather sleep forever than just for a brief period." -Earth Waters
I could recall one afternoon, browsing world news updates when I first learned about Covid. It was during this time that I was preparing to move and start life in South Korea. Covid was said to be in China, and I had not cared about the virus because I didn't think it would spread at such an alarming rate. The pause on moving to South Korea soon vanished and I was planning to stay in the states and reconsider my thoughts when this was all over with.
Fast-forwarding three years and here I am suffering from the virus and the short and long terms effects it has on the body. During this entire pandemic, I have not encountered any symptoms and have cared for someone who had it. It appears the virus is in search of those who have not yet been blessed with its presence. The fear of death fell upon me heavily because of the fatality rate of those that have encountered this virus.
One day I was at work sitting at my desk when I started to feel a scratch in my throat as if a peppermint or cough drop would clear it up. I had two students that week complaining about not feeling well and experiencing congestion. Allergy season hits hard so covid was not on the list, especially when no one wears a mask anymore or it's not mandated for those to wear them. Certainly, the student that was complaining had not exposed me to anything that fasts. I continued my day with a slight scratch on my throat but within a few hours, I started to feel lethargic. At this point I have the right remedy; allergy medicine will clear this up. By the time I made it home and got in bed my body had shut down, I had a fever of one hundred and three and chills. I knew something was not right and nope covid was not in my thoughts. I managed to drive myself to the ER because my chest felt as though a brick was lying over it and my breathing was shot to hell. The doctors saw me immediately because I complained about not being able to breathe. The doctor came in and did the normal exams but after listening to my lungs he recommended I get tested for Strep, Covid, and the flu. My thoughts were, "how are they going to test me because I am not getting a Q-tip swiped across my brain." The nurse and doctor went on to explain how one test could check for all three and the reason I was there was to find out what was going on and to just feel better. I agreed to get my brain scraped by the Q-tip and within 15 minutes he said it is not Strep, it was not the flu, but it is Sars-2. I could have screamed if I hadn't been in so much pain. I was given Ibuprofen, a blanket, and hope you feel better soon speech about how there is nothing they could do.
The Covid journey began for me. I journaled every day of my progress and even reached out to two people that I knew would go through with my death wishes if anything was to happen to me. There was no promise of me making it to the next day based on how I was feeling. I knew that whatever happened I had no control over it. I managed to follow remedies that my older friends suggested like eating garlic cloves, drinking golden milk, taking a shit load of vitamins, soaking in salt and hot water and the list goes on. I did this routine for days, but every day got better, and I was able to see small progress which gave me hope. I suffered from confusion, dizziness, vertigo, and painful chest pains, and I could only rest and drink as many fluids as possible. The virus just had to run its course and for some, it may take a few days to months and some just simply don't survive. But the journey must go on and run its course and sometimes you don't know how it is going to play out, you just stay on the course and fight.
Though we know just like any course there are obstacles and challenges. We may even have good and bad days where we are too weak to go on but something in us still says fight with the last breath you have. I journaled this covid journey during a tough time and through fear but wanted to see how the days went from hell to well. I would like to encourage those that are battling with fear, self-doubt, worry, confusion, or any other ill thoughts and feelings to just keep fighting because that is the one thing, we have control over. It may look one way now, but things will get better for you. You must be willing to relax, listen then apply.
I hope this Covid-pandemic ends soon so that we can return to life as we know it. My heart goes out to all those that have lost someone due to this nasty virus.
Stay Encouraged, Stay Safe and Keep Fighting!
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